A Letter To Myself

Dear 'The-Other-Side-Of-Me', How have you been? I hope things are good on your side? I've been trying to be a good girl. I think I've been doing quite well. Not thinking too much about stressfull things. Trying to keep cool at everything. Pacing myself with the wedding preparations. But today, I had a conversation with mommy which made me feel awful right after. I felt crappy. I felt lousy. I felt stress. I felt like giving up. You know how loved ones can affect you that way. Cause you just want to make them proud, be perfect to them all the time and hear them sing praises of you. But I felt so horrible. It was just a small matter about some wedding stuff. But it felt like a big deal to me cause when I proposed the idea to her, she was all out in supporting me. But the moment I share with her some negative feedbacks which I have received, she started saying things which felt like 'I told you so'. Mommy thinks its not always wise for her to share her advice with me nowadays, cause I have different opinions and ways of thinking. She feels like I'm making my decisions as an adult and she's trying not to interfere with that. But I got upset, when she started saying all of these because it felt like she thinks that I've made many disappointing decisions. And that just didn't felt good. I feel so lost. Why was she supporting me one moment then the next moment she said that I shouldn't be doing this or that? I love my mommy alot. She's like my super idol. I wanna grow up to be just like her. But right now I feel so useless and nothing like my mom. I'm not independant like her, I'm not creative like her, I'm not organized like her, I'm not a great cook like her, I'm not hardworking like her and I'm not strong like her. I'm crumbling inside :( Love, Imhopeful

♥ Happy Belated Valentine's ♥

I can't believe I haven't blogged in months! This must be the longest blog break for me ever...

Haven't been doing much. Was just busy prepping for Chinese New Year, then busy catching up with family and friends over CNY and then busy prepping for the wedding. So much to do, yet I just can't seem to make a move and get things going.

I've felt so uninspired for the past few months. Like I've lost my 'heat' and 'heart' in life. Not a good thing I know...but I just can't seem to help it. It doesn't mean I don't feel happy. The feeling is more of a 'draining' and 'tired' feeling. Its been affecting me and the people around me. I've been trying to snap out of it and I think I've been a good girl so far. Trying to keep Nic's advise close to heart about taking things lightly and don't sweat the small stuff.

Thank you sayang for always walking me through thick and thin.


Happy (belated) Valentine's Day everyone :)

2011 is almost here!!

I can't believe its the last few days of 2010!

Where did all of it went?

This has been the-most-changes-in-a-year year for me. The greek holiday, the London proposal, the resignation, the moving back to KL, the house hunting, the wedding preparations...so much has happened!

Since I finished the temporary job stint last month, I was preparing for the pre-wedding photo session due the following week in Singapore. It was super! We didn't have a really smooth trip, but that day when we were taking photos, the weather was awesome, the crew were fun, my hubby was happy, that made me happy! It was memorable, and I would love to do it all over again. Hehe :) After the awesome time I had at the pre-wedding photoshoot, my relatives came to visit in KL and I was busy taking them out and playing host.

There was also painting works which created so much havoc in the family house. Moving furniture, throwing out things, wiping and dusting, all the flying dirt and chemical smell was driving me insane! Christmas was here before I knew it. My first time celebrating with hubby's family. Really felt warm fuzzy. I know it means alot to Nic especially.

Now is counting down to new year! And then I'm left with 5 months to get everything right for our wedding! Better get the organizing on full gear this time!!

What am I doing?

I can't believe that I haven't blogged for almost two months. This might be the longest I've left my blog at a stand still. I almost forgotten my ID and password to login, that bad.

I'm totally living a different lifestyle now. Not skipping to lunch or wedding researching anymore. I'm working. Temporary, as an admin kinda thingy for a corporate communications department in some company. I'm glad the word temporary existed. I often wonder if I'll ever survive office work since I've never really did it full time, ever in my life. Now the answer is quite an apparent - Yes. I don't think I will survive it. At least not in the corporate communications department. So much office politics, so rigid work hours, stupid jam, parking problems, it seems like the list might never end.

I guess I took up this temporary job offer cause I really felt like sitting at home feels really unproductive. I wasn't earning anything, and every time I offer to pay anything these days, people get defensive and says I'm not allowed to pay cause I'm not getting any income. I know its kinda silly to fight for this kinda stuff, I mean, who will say no to free lunch right? But I'm so used to being financially independent. I love to spend my friends and family every once in awhile. But now even my mom refuses to take allowances from me. Its so frustrating!

Also, I didn't think planning for my wedding would take up so much time. Most of the decisions I needed to make felt like it could be done over the weekend. Now weekend comes and all I wanna do is sleep and spend time with my family and friends.

Sigh~

But I won't give up. Its another one and a half months and I'm over with this job. The only consolation for me now is I get to spend every working day with my sis. She actually introduced me to this part time thing. So I'm in the same company as her. We car pool to work, we lunch together and car pool home. The only fun part about working.

I need to reclaim my happy self again....

Wedding Jitters

"My sister is damn awesome!"

I wanted to start writing some updates about what I have been up to recently but didn't know where to start. I told my sis about it and she asked me to start with that. So not shy. But I still love her ;)

Since I mentioned that life has been slow moving since coming back here, I have been religiously reading bridal magazines, wedding planning books, bridal forums, sourcing for the best dinner location, looking at possible future love nest, researching for stuff online, house-hunting and just chilling (yes I still have time for that...haha).

I admit that when I started doing all of those things in the first week, I was close to going crazy. I barely had time to discuss anything with Nic cause he worked late and I didn't want to be the one making all decisions. We were constantly snapping at each other almost everytime we met up or spoke over the phone.

Then that one day, while I was showering, I was thinking a whole lot. I seriously didn't want to go through hell planning a wedding. I want to remember it, enjoy it, love every moment of it. Its something I want to look back at with good memories. So we talked about it, we calmed down each other's nerves, and I've not looked back since. Now we are back to our sweet selves and taking it one thing at a time. Its not worth arguing over these things. Its just an event. Being married is more important.

But its weird that I keep getting bad dreams about our wedding day. I had to walk on cushions covered with blankets to get to the altar, I was bleached blonde and had super bad hair day which my sister just clipped at two sides with some kiddy hairclip, my dad gave me away wearing a singlet and towel wrapped over his waist. Then I had another dream today about my make up artist showing up late plus she was taking her own sweet time doing the hair, daddy John asked the guest to start with dinner first, and by the time my guests had finish and started driving off in their cars, I haven't even finished with make up yet. It was horrible! Thank goodness this is all a dream~ *sweats*

Maybe too much wedding / bridal research....time to chill now *skips off to lunch*

Life back in KL...

Late last month, just before I moved back, everything was fast forward.

I barely had time to pack up and every day I had someone to meet and bid my goodbyes in Singapore. But the moment I came home to KL, almost everything came to a slow pace crawl. Just like the traffic jams here...

Nic is constantly working and very busy too. My close friends share similar working hours and have their own boyfriends and family to go home to. Thank goodness my mom's home with me. The only problem is, I constantly have to 'fight' for her attention with Charrise (the little girl she babysits).

Life is as chilling as anyone could ask for....but its really no fun when you've got no one to share it with...

Fast forward July

Life seems to be in a fast forward mode right now.

I blogged last month, about wanting to resign and packing up to move back to KL. Here I am, already free as a bird, packing to move back to KL. I actually thought I would write about how anxious or excited I felt about quitting or how much I'm gonna miss my job, and everything here in Singapore. But each time, the word and the feelings jumble into one big lump of nothing, and I end up just doing something else to not think about it.

Five days has passed since my last work day. I have calmly went to return my staff pass and all my other company's belongings the following day. I felt a little unsure, a little light headed, a little nervous, a little relief, a little of everything mixed up. It was kinda overwhelming. I came home, didn't feel like talking or doing anything at all. Went out to meet up with friends, and that is exactly what I have been doing for the past few days.

So it hasn't exactly settled in. The feeling that I am no longer employed.

Maybe it might take a few weeks...a month...or even a few months...

Right now, I just wanna enjoy the time I have...

Note: By the way, to those who has been following me on blogspot, thanx for the support. I seem to be having problems with posting a reply in the comments section. Appreciate all the encouragement out there.