My heart is sinking...

like a ship...

Its sinking....

Everything Looks Blurred...

My fingers were just resting on the keyboard for over one minute.
I'm not right in front of the mirror now, but I know my face shows no expression.
I feel as though someone extracted my soul out of my body.

I don't know why he does it over and over again.
We try putting in trust, but he hurts us by telling lies.
I have no idea what goes on in that head of his.
What does he want?

Nobody knows....

I'm tired of trusting. I'm tired of trying. I know one of these nights I'm gonna have that same evil nightmare again.

I miss my mom. I wanna give her a big hug the next time I see her.

I think my soul came back again.
For a moment I felt a sudden rush of feelings.
Sad feelings. Like a wave, sweeping back and forth on the same spot.

I can see the sun shinning through my room windows.
Its so blazing hot today, maybe it'll dry up my well of sorrows.
We'll decide what to do next when the night comes.

I need comfort right now.
I'll go roll into a ball on my bed.
Please do not disturb....

True Colours...

Ever since I got together with Nic, a lot has happened with some of my friends here in Singapore. They feel strongly against how much time I would rather spend with my boyfriend than compared to them. They feel that I've become totally different, or somehow 'lost' my identity, and just completely changed from the me they once used to know.

I tell you...

I will never give in to a conversation that involves no value or respect for friendship.

I had a dramatic fall out with my housemate, Mandy, just a few days ago. It started with me cancelling off an intended trip we mentioned since last year. Things hasn't been all bright and chirpy with us recently and I guess it triggered off alot of emotions on her side.

All the small and petty things surfaced. All the 'you thought' 'i thought' bubbled fire like the larva that has been freshly erupted from the sleeping volcano. But the most lingering and already been mentioned more than once topic - my boyfriend - stuck out like a sore thumb from her.

She said she's saying all these out of care and concern. She doesn't want me to hurt as deep when the day comes that Nic is out of the picture.

I beg a pardon....?

After two years of a smooth and healthy relationship, I have many friends and family asking when me and Nic will tie the knot. Not one single one...ever mentioned the same thing she did. I know how much she must dislike him, but sitting around waiting for him to dump me so she can claim her glory when I run crying to her arms just seems ridiculously disgusting.

I have more than once mentioned her anonymously in my blogs. Because she annoys me sometimes, I just have to channel it somewhere, but out of respect, I just blog in a general non-name mentioning way. Today, I've had it. Its the true colours...so live with it...

She said I've 'lost' my identity, and isn't the girl she once knew. She thinks that my boyfriend is too controling, I'm too dependant on him, and always making excuses to cover up for him. I think its just crap. I used to be this naive, 'kampung' girl, always got bullied at work and didn't know how to stand up and speak for herself. Now that I'm no longer as blur, have my own opinions about things and speak my mind, she thinks that I'm no longer me. Everyone else seems to think this change a positive one. Only she has a problem with it.

Maybe because now I can think for myself and no longer just listen to her, she doesn't feel in power over me. Maybe because now I consult my boyfriend about things instead of her, she thinks he is controlling me. Maybe because now I have someone to shower me with affection, she thinks I'm too dependant on him. Maybe because now I know how to defend myself and Nic everytime she says something negative, she thinks that I'm making excuses.

After all the drama, she shakes my hand and asked to be friends again. I did take her hand. But my heart still rages from all the heat that was worked up. My brains are still playing the conversations over and over again. Its not like the situation was resolved when she asked for peace. I do not understand this girl. I can't pretend like I'm all buddy with her right now. But she does it. It feels fake.

Its almost 5 years since we lived together. We share a weird love-hate friendship. She is the only girl friend I dare not hug when I feel like it, dare not cling on to her arms when we go shopping, its just weird. If I happen to catch her on her good day, everything seems perfect. If I happen to catch her on a lousy day, I feel so plastic when I hang out with her, even up till today.

I've made up my mind.

I'm not gonna let myself be stepped all over anymore.

I Need Sleep~

I've been out and about since CNY. Never really got a good rest during my off days. I'm now feeling physically tired and mentally drained. It feels like I've aged 10 years within these two weeks.

I keep having weird dreams too. The bad ones about negative stuff I'm facing in life now. The normal ones about work (so it gets even more tiring when I wake up - as though I worked the whole time I was actually asleep). And the weird ones where I play with snow in Japan with my loved ones and some others about people I haven't met in ages!

I've got tonnes of photo to circulate around. But obviously I haven't gotten to doing it...

I just met my newborn cousin Danielle. It must be nice being in her shoes. People pamper and hug all the time. Just cry to get attention. Sleep and eat all the time. I'm sure I had those moments once. Just wished I'd remember it...

I'm writing randomly now. Cause that's exactly how my brain is functioning now.

I'm going off to see my soul mate now~ Tra la la~

About Being Hopeful...

When I first created this blog, I thought for the longest time what I wanted to do with it. Should I write about traveling, should I write about food, should I write about all aspects of my life. Then I thought about how lonely I was, how negative I was at that point, and how badly I wanted a change. So I named this blog imhopeful. To remind me that I can be hopeful, I can hope for things, I can be positive.

I hung on tightly to those words. I am hopeful. Even more so recently.

I've been super emotional during the past weeks. Trying to fight all evil residing in my head. The things I actually thought about, I am so ashamed that it even crossed my mind. But that's what happens when you let your emotions control your being. Mind over body. Even when you think you have it mentally under control, it creeps into your subconscious and takes over your dreams.

Some shit happened. Cause and effect on my loved ones, including myself. It was one hell of a rollercoaster ride. Even all the CNY goodies couldn't console me.

I am glad we sat down and had a talk about it. I am glad someone sat me down and talked to me about it. I am glad everyone talked. I want to be hopeful with things again...

Thank YOU for giving me support all the time. I know I've been difficult. We've finally past a two year mark (following YOUR calculations). There will be many more to come...

Toxic Friends

Just end of last year, I came across an article in a magazine listing out types of toxic friends people may have in life. There were a few catogeries which I can barely recall, but it compromised some that were jealous, some that had negative emotions, some that backstabbed and a few others. In short, friends that were not exactly healthy for us, mentally and emotionally, were classified as toxic friends. The article even had a column on how you should get rid of those with extreme tendencies of being toxic.

Before I came across that article, I've always had a different perception to what a toxic friend meant. Mainly because Nic told me he has a toxic friend. What they do is, they share all their toxic in life. All the crappy emotions and crappy moments. Basically crappy talk, dishing out all the toxic they felt towards their life. This toxic friend was there to listen out all the crap and they would help each other heal, motivate one another to carry on with life.

Toxic.

One word, two ways to be used.

I know for sure what kinda toxic friends I have. God help me please if I die of intoxication...

Look Around You...

I was just lazing around in bed, waiting for my red nails to dry...

I looked around my room and realised the number of things I meant to do but haven't gotten to it yet. There are specks of dust to be wiped off, there are clothes to be re-arranged, there are things to be organized, junk to be thrown out...yes my room is kinda in a mess. I wonder how am I gonna move these things back to KL when I really move out for good. And to think that I came here only with a medium sized luggage bag.

My digital photo frame is playing on its auto mode (and YOU say I don't use it). The photos have all been jumbled up in sequence since the last time Nic added some new pictures to it. I prefer it to be sequence cause it has some meaning to it. Photos bring back so many memories doesn't it? Reminds me of my initial stepping into a relationship with Nic. Reminds me of my Phuket holiday with the weirdest group combination. Reminds me of my much missed family times.

Outside my room was my housemate, Mandy. Sitting in the living room, channel surfing and occasionally walking into her room, web surfing on her laptop. At least, that is what I see and assume. Its weird how a person I've been living with for the past four years can be so distant at times...at most times...

Oh crap...I just realised the time too...its 11.30PM...I'm way past my promised bedtime. Sorry YOU. I got carried away...

Goodnite...